As I was tucking Mom in tonight, she was a little worrisome. As her eyes drooped with sleep I softly said to her what I've said to her a thousand times before, "You are safe." Her eyes opened fully, "Are you sure?" she whispered. I smiled into those wide eyes that were searching my face for comfort. "Mom," I whispered back, "I shall slay all your dragons." She beamed at me as her eyes dropped to sleep.
The tears started slowly. I brushed them back as I tidied the living room, picked up the dirty glasses, turned on the stove light should she get up and need to see her way around her home. When I reached the basement, I crumpled into my boyfriend and shook with weeping. I can not slay all the dragons. The Other Girl and I are reaching the point where we can no longer protect her from what's coming. My heart broke from the truth.
I do not indulge in heartbreak very often. My heartbreak doesn't comfort Mom, doesn't make me stronger, impedes my ability to get the job done. But when it hits, it crushes me to my core, destroying the facade I have carefully constructing that somehow I can fix this.
I can not.
Tonight, my heart is breaking.
I lost my father in December 2015. You know me from the ALZ message boards.
I'm His Daughter. The daughter who always had his back, and the daughter who privately cried a river of tears throughout this horrid disease.
Is he still with you Gail? Or has the care partner journey come to a close? I love that "I've got your back, Dad" - I would be comforted by those words in times of anguish.
Beautifully written, We all understand the feeling of being crushed to our core. I experienced it many time. My common phrase with my father was "I've got your back Dad." And while I did have his back, I always knew this was his journey and there was nothing I could do to "save him" from his destination. I was only his loving companion, doing everything I could to cushion the road that lie ahead.